Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion



by Dr. Theresa Burke with Dr. David C. Reardon
.
Sexual Abuse and Abortion
.
When Complex Needs Clash With Simple Desires
.
Like all women, sexually abused women long for real love. The difference is that because their sexual boundaries were violated at an early age, they are more likely to use their bodies in an attempt to obtain that love. Through provocative and promiscuous behavior in the present, they express the sexual abuse and victimization they experienced in the past. In short, women with a history of abuse are seeking a way to satisfy complex needs regarding love, respect, and trauma resolution.
.
Unfortunately, in this era of sexual freedom, there is a nearly unlimited supply of men who want to satisfy a very simple impulse: their desire for uncommitted sexual release. When sexual abuse victims with complex needs meet predators whose interest in them is limited to their ability to satisfy their sexual desires, the result is predictably disastrous. Rather than finding resolution of their trauma and fulfillment of their need for love and respect, sexually abused women are more likely to encounter additional betrayals of their love, attacks on their dignity, and reenactment of their traumas. Sadly, sexually abused women and abusive males even tend to gravitate toward each other. It is as if these women's heightened vulnerability is a perfect match for these men's dysfunctional need to dominate and humiliate their mates.
.
When a pregnancy results between a needy woman and an abusive man who does not want the child, the woman is very likely to be subjected to increased levels of verbal or physical abuse, which is intended to compel her to submit to an unwanted abortion. Under these hostile circumstances, many women submit. Their abortions do not free or empower them, however. Instead the abortion experience only strengthens their feelings of self-disgust, shame, and isolation, which serves to reinforce the dynamics that are keeping them locked in abusive relationships. Such was the case of Karen, who had been involved in numerous abusive relationships.
.
"In my situation, abortion was just another form of sexual abuse. It was just another way of abusing me. He had power over me in demanding that I abort. He was completely 'turned off' by me being pregnant. He actually punished me with his anger and rage. I could see that I would have to pay the price. Who cared that we created a life together? His sex with me was just as empty as his heart was. I can't believe I allowed him to control me as much as he did."
.
Another victim of sexual abuse, Dorinda, commented on the similarity between the horror of incest and the trauma of abortion. "Nothing that happened to my body mattered. As an incest victim, I had absolutely no volition regarding the integrity of my body -- somebody wanted it and they took it, no matter what I wanted. In the case of my abortion, I had no understanding regarding the integrity of my body and spirit -- 'it' had misbehaved and had to be corrected without thought for how much the act would hurt me."
.
"But who could think that a new life nurtured inside the body as one flesh could be severed from that body and ended without causing lifelong grief and yearning? Only a woman who had no idea that her body, or the spirit that infuses it, or the sexuality that permeates it, were connected or mattered. I was not alone. The common experience of the women in our post-abortion group was the shock of the devastating feelings surrounding this act that was supposed to have no significance -- as if our bodies and what they create have no significance, as if we have no significance. Our experiences were similar. I think it's because there's a common value underlying incest and abortion (and rape and promiscuity and our historic perception of sexuality) -- an incredible callousness toward our bodies and others' bodies."
.
Abortion as Another Rape
.
Nina was raped one night while away on a business trip. To her horror and shame, she discovered she was pregnant. In an effort to destroy all reminders of the rape, Nina consented to an abortion.
.
"The fact that I got pregnant because of the rape was disgusting. I felt like I had to get rid of it. Somehow, I figured that because I got pregnant I must have enjoyed it. I couldn't tolerate that concept. I was so ashamed. I got my abortion out of state so that no one would know. The rape was nothing compared to the abortion. I developed a raging pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) because I never received any antibiotic to prevent infection. My gynecologist also informed me that besides the scarring from the infection, my cervix is badly damaged from the abortion procedure. I will never have children of my own, because I am sterile due to the PID. The rape was bad, but I could have gotten over it. The abortion is something I will never get over. No one realizes how much that event damaged my life. I hate my rapist, but I hate the abortionist too. I can't believe I paid to be raped again. This will affect the rest of my life."
.
Like many rape victims, Nina blamed herself, believing that somewhere along the way she had invited or consented to the rape. Rather than removing her self-blame, her abortion reaffirmed her sense of shame and guilt. Now she knew she was culpable; she had even consented to the abortion in writing. Nina loved children and had always wanted to have a family. The abortion demolished all her dreams of having children in the future. No one at the abortion clinic had ever mentioned that possible "side effect." The child she had lost to abortion was the only child she would ever conceive. This realization gave rise to intense grief and heartache. When it was too late, she longed for the aborted baby, even though he or she was the product of rape. She began to see herself as the guilty party and her baby as the innocent victim of her violence. The anger she felt toward the rapist became bitterly directed against herself. After such a devastating experience, her journey to recovery was long and difficult.
.
Nina's experience is not unusual. The largest study ever done of women who had pregnancies resulting from rape or incest was recently published in the book Victims and Victors: Speaking Out About Their Pregnancies, Abortions, and Children Resulting from Sexual Assault. In this study of nearly 200 women, 89% of those who aborted a pregnancy resulting from sexual assault explicitly stated that they regretted having had their abortions.
.
They often described their abortions as more traumatic and difficult to deal with than the sexual assault. Over 90% stated they would discourage other pregnant sexual assault victims from opting for abortion. Only 7% believed that abortion would "usually" be beneficial in cases of sexual assault. Conversely, among the sexual assault victims who carried to term, in retrospect they all believed they made the right decision in giving birth. None regretted not having an abortion.
.
Fatal Illusions
.
Many in contemporary society are concerned with ending the vicious cycle of abuse, yet they cannot see that the perpetrators of violence are often responding to their own memories of abuse. The theme of the victim becoming the perpetrator permeates the literature and clinical research on family violence. Countless articles and intervention programs have been developed with this aspect of trauma in mind. The concept of victims becoming perpetrators can also be played out in a broader social context. For example, many of the women who initiated, fought, and are fighting the battle for abortion rights have themselves been badly mistreated, abandoned, and forced to suffer the hardships of life alone, victimized and unloved. For many, the battle for abortion is symbolic of their battle to restore a sense of control and dignity to their own battered lives.
.
Given the fact that many early advocates of legalized abortion suffered sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, it is not surprising that the language of abortion rights centers on "controlling one's body." For many, the battle over abortion, even on a political level, involves a symbolic reenactment of their struggle to gain mastery over past trauma and abuse. Unfortunately, those who use abortion as a means of mastering past trauma are doomed to suffer both disappointment and a deepening entanglement in the cycle of self-destructive violence. Mastery over past victimization can never be achieved by depersonalizing or destroying others.
.
Abortion only offers women who hunger for some resolution of past abuse the illusion of power. Victims of abuse have a deep hunger for respect, love, and justice. Abortion simply cannot fill these needs because it is inherently a destructive, negating act. Abortion does not create; it can only destroy. It cannot fill holes in one's spirit; it can only create new holes. But these truisms are not obvious to those whose needs and yearnings overpower reason. To an uninformed famine victim, for example, a huge mound of cotton candy appears to be a prize worth fighting for. If won, it may even seem sweet for a time. But it will not produce any lasting benefit, because it is not the nature of cotton candy to nourish. In the same way, it is not the nature of abortion to heal broken hearts or to empower the powerless. Nothing was ever created by abortion. It can only destroy. And like so many other tools of destruction, it can often destroy far more than we intend.
.
Something Inside Has Died
.
Booze, Drugs, Sex, and Suicide
.
Mary sat in the recovery room, crying almost hysterically. "My God, what have I done?" she moaned. She was doubled over, her arms wrapped tightly around her abdomen as if holding herself together. As tears streamed down her face, she observed other girls reading magazines, as though lined up under dryers at the beauty salon. "How can they be so casual about this?" she marveled. The tissue box on the table beside her was empty, so she wiped her nose on the sleeve of her denim jacket as she fought the chills, which invaded her body. "I have to get a grip!" she told herself. With a determined act of will, she took a deep breath and swallowed back her tears, grief, and heartache.
.
When she arrived home, her boyfriend greeted her at the door. He had planned a special evening -- a steak and lobster dinner with a bottle of champagne -- to commend her for her extraordinary bravery on this, the day of her abortion. Needless to say, Mary did not feel pride in her "accomplishment." Instead, the celebration atmosphere made her feel uncomfortable and foolish. When her boyfriend offered her a glass of champagne, she gulped it down. Grateful for its anesthetic effect, she quickly emptied a second glass, then a third and a fourth. It was not long before Mary was so plastered that her boyfriend had to carry her to bed.
.
The next morning, she woke with cottonmouth and an extreme headache that hung over her memory like an iron blanket, momentarily covering her recollections of the previous day. Mary buried her head under the pillow and asked her boyfriend to lower the shades on the windows. Slowly she became aware of the blood-soaked pad pasted to her underpants -- a menacing reminder of the previous day. Her boyfriend, gently rubbing her shoulders, recognized the dim pain surfacing in her eyes. "I'll make you a drink," he offered, eager to assist in an alliance of drowning sorrow.
.
Mary nodded and shuffled slowly into the shower, aghast at the amount of crimson blood left over from the abortion. When she had finished, her boyfriend handed her a Bloody Mary. "How appropriate!" she mused, choking off a ragged laugh. If she thought too much, she knew, she might burst into a never-ending river of tears. "Bottoms up!" she sighed and swiftly downed the drink. Her boyfriend joined her. Thus was born, in place of her baby, an alcoholic ritual that would dominate Mary's life for nearly ten years.
.
Intoxicated with Feelings
.
The human mind has a tremendous capacity to repress undesirable feelings and re-channel them into more tolerable tortures. If we cannot find a way to work through the trauma with our conscious intellect, our unconscious mind will accomplish the task for us. Trying to cope with these shattered phantoms may invite the abuse of alcohol or drugs, and a vicious, unrelenting cycle of self-destruction, heaping insult on top of injury until awareness of the original problem has been annihilated.
.
I have listened to many women share their sad tales of unacknowledged and unexpressed grief. Drinking and drugs for many becomes an ordinary way of life-like breathing and eating. They become "party people," laughing their way through life to avoid the tears that well up when they are alone and silent. The dreams they once had are choked off by the same self-destructive behaviors they use to drown their grief. Monica shared this all-too-familiar story:
.
"From the time I was 18 and had my first abortion, the aftermath affected almost every area of my life. I think alcohol and drug abuse were at the top of the list, but also there were nightmares, uncontrollable fear to the point of a panic disorder, and a deep sadness, the source of which I couldn't identify or understand. I frequently thought about killing myself. I had anger and rage, sexual problems, low self-esteem, incredible self-hatred and a depression that came and went like an unexpected wind. But most of all, grief that chilled me to the bone. My grief turned on me like a hungry lion waiting to destroy every area of my life. Drinking and drugs were the only way I could cope."
.
Researchers studying substance abuse identified long ago that women are likely to date the onset of alcohol and drug abuse to a particular stressful event or a "definite life situation." It should not be surprising, then, to find that over a dozen studies have found a strong association between substance abuse and abortion. One found that among women without a prior history of substance abuse, women who aborted their first pregnancy had a 4.5 times higher risk of subsequent substance abuse compared to women who carried their first pregnancy to term. When the most conservative risk estimates from this study are applied to the general population of women, it indicates that at least 150,000 women per year abuse drugs and/or alcohol as a means of dealing with post-abortion stress. One of these women was Jennifer:
.
"When I look back on my problems with drinking, I never thought it was anything unusual. I grew up in the seventies, and I thought, hey, everybody is drinking and doing drugs. I thought I was normal, just like everyone else. Now I realize that I never did any of those things until after my abortion. Sure, everyone was drinking, but I drank more than anyone else. I ended up sleeping around more too. It was a wild and crazy time. I tried to drink away my feelings of grief. I had to keep drinking, because my inner emptiness was always there, and I could not bear the way it made me feel. So I became the party girl ... the first to arrive, the last to leave. I'd buy drinks for others, hoping they'd keep me company and help me to avoid myself ... a self I grew to hate. Drinking helped me forget about her -- and for however long the buzz lasted, I felt okay."
.
After Amanda's abortion, she immediately went to the nearest bar to drown her anguish in rum and cola. The sympathetic bartender to whom Amanda related her story assisted her in getting drunk that night out of an authentic pity for her. Thereafter, Amanda reenacted this confession and affirmation scene by getting drunk and confessing her abortion to whomever her bar buddy was that night. Who it was didn't matter -- sometimes it would be a complete stranger.
.
With each drunken confession, Amanda experienced the pain and the grief as vividly as she had the night of the abortion. Alcohol provided an altered state of consciousness, unshackled her emotions and exposed a private raw nerve. It also gave her permission to feel and lowered her defenses enough to openly admit her grief. But her relief was limited to her drunken state. Amanda rarely remembered her ritual confessions the next day. When sober, she denied that the abortion had any effect on her, insisting that she was fine with it.
.
Spiraling Out of Control
.
Drugs and alcohol have the power to change a person's emotional center, if only temporarily. In a chemically altered emotional state, one can feel like a different person -- separated from one's past. For some women, like Mary, the need to escape from the past through drugs also includes a radical breaking off of relationships. "After the abortion, I cut all contact with my former crowd and made a completely new group of friends. I got into drugs and alcohol. I kept as stoned and drunk as possible so as not to think about it." Others, like Heidi, cut themselves off from activities they used to enjoy. "I turned to alcohol to forget and ease the pain. I had been a gymnast and had been very health-conscious before the abortion. Afterward, I felt guilty, had no respect for myself and contemplated suicide, and just didn't care about life anymore."
.
A woman's personality may drastically change after an abortion. Often, she will express this change as having "lost a part of myself" during the abortion. She may go on to live a "half-life," withdrawing from past acquaintances and secretly deadening her pain with alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, and other self-destructive tendencies. The handwritten accounts of the seven women below are sadly typical of these interrelated symptoms....
.
"I turned to liquor and drugs real heavy as a means of escape. I gave up my job as a bank clerk. I had been a faithful wife, yet now had a succession of affairs. Eventually, I took a deliberate overdose of Valium."
.
"After the abortion, I truly hated myself and became quite self-destructive. I even thought of suicide but was afraid I'd go to hell, so I smoked, drank, did drugs and had sex."
.
"Immediately after the abortion, I felt like a slut and started to make it a self-fulfilling prophesy. I felt dirty and worthless and became promiscuous because of my low self-esteem. I tried to bury myself in drugs and alcohol but they only made things worse. How many times did I attempt suicide in the next eight years? I couldn't possibly count them all."
.
"The first abortion sent me into heavy drug abuse and sexual promiscuity. I ended up a cocaine addict and a prostitute for drugs."
.
"For years I became depressed on the anniversary of my baby's death. I left my boyfriend and became very promiscuous. Whenever a man committed to me, I ended the relationship. I was lonely and depressed. I turned to cocaine and spent thousands on it.
.
"I became a tramp. I slept with anyone and everyone. Each month, when I wasn't pregnant again, I'd go into a deep depression. My only comfort in those days was alcohol and sleep. I was rebellious. I wanted my parents to see what I had become. I dropped out of college. I tried suicide, but I didn't have the guts to slit my wrists or blow my brains out. I couldn't get my hands on sleeping pills, so I resorted to over-the-counter sleep aids and booze."
.
"I went on a suicide kick.... After the abortion, I went to bed with anyone, regularly drank myself into oblivion, and aimed my car at the 100-year-old oak trees that lined the street to my house."
.
As early as 1972, researchers had observed that young women who abort may develop patterns of promiscuity that did not exist before. For post-abortive women, promiscuity can be used as a form of degrading self-punishment, or it may be driven by low self-esteem and a desperate need to feel valued by another, if only superficially. Promiscuity can also recreate feelings of shame and guilt related to the traumatic abortion. In such cases, the woman can project her feelings of shame onto her sexual behavior rather than onto the more intimidating issue of her abortion. Nan, for example, shares how her shame following an abortion led her to permit abusive sex: "After my abortion, I did not care about my body any more. I certainly did not care about what was put into my body. I would only go with partners who were abusive, or those who put things inside me...boys who played with sexual toys, fruit, and other objects. I let men experiment and play with me like I was a baby doll."
.
Nan allowed others to invade her vagina with objects as she lay silent. Having things "put inside" her was a connection to the abortion experience. She described herself as a helpless "baby doll," identifying with her own powerless baby. Patricia's sexuality was also distorted by feelings of loss, abandonment, death, destruction, and shame. Her approach to sexual relations became sadistic, punishing, and at times masochistic. When she eventually married, Patricia's husband at first thought her sexual preferences were kinky, erotic, and fun. But as time passed, he longed for the gentle intimacy of normal sex. But Patricia was incapable of such intimacy as long as the trauma of her abortion remained braided into her sexual identity.
.
Similarly, Rita felt trapped by a compulsion to shame and humiliate herself through promiscuous affairs and demeaning episodes with sex. Rita would do just about anything. On one occasion she required hospitalization following sadistic sexual relations. Her only memory of the event was an awareness of self-hatred and pain. "It didn't matter what anybody did to me. I guess I felt I deserved it. I certainly never got any pleasure out of it. I felt worthless. I had no self-respect. The thought of my abortion disgusted me and made me hate myself."
.
Conflicted women like Rita, acting out post-abortion trauma through their sexuality, are easy targets for perverted abusers. Rita's self-destructive acts served to reenact the shame, self-hatred, and complete loss of innocence she associated with her traumatic abortion. None of these tendencies emerged until after her abortion. It was only after she had post-abortion counseling that she was able to break free of this pattern.
.
Promiscuity may also serve the desire, conscious or unconscious, to become pregnant again. Becoming pregnant by an uncommitted male may recreate the rejection of commitment on the part of the baby's father that was implicit in the first abortion. Promiscuity can also serve the purpose of re-experiencing the abortion literally, through multiple abortions, in the subconscious hope that by aborting again she will finally master her trauma. Alternatively, promiscuity can serve as a means of acting out a new vision of self -- the carefree party animal, for example. The relationship between substance abuse and promiscuity is straightforward. Drugs and alcohol lower sexual inhibitions. Those who are looking for sexual encounters are naturally drawn to bar-hopping and parties where the use of alcohol and drugs is a normal part of the social interactions, or even a necessary prelude to mating rituals. Being intoxicated also makes it easier for a woman to settle for a "loser," if it comes to that, just so she won't have to spend the night alone.
.
As previously discussed, traumatized women will frequently engage in repetitious behaviors as a means of releasing trauma-related tension. Sexual intercourse, alcohol, and drugs are all tension relievers. But coping with an unresolved trauma through such addictive behaviors is like being shackled to a treadmill, running over the same struggles or themes over and over again. By engaging in these repetitive behaviors, the mind seeks either (1) to finally master the problem by re-experiencing the trauma directly or through symbolic proxies, or (2) to become so accustomed to the behavior that one is no longer bothered by it. By deadening herself to higher aspirations through drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, and repeat abortions, a woman's emotional range can become so restricted that she hardly feels the pain anymore. The price is high, however, since such a woman also loses the ability to feel any lasting joy.
.
Abortion and Suicide
.
When feelings of joy and hope are no more than dim memories, when depression, despair, or grief weigh upon a soul with the force of a glacier grinding a mountain into sand, thoughts of suicide will arise. At some point, the natural fear of death is offset by the longing for death's release from everything in this life. Such was the case for Janet, who was employed as a police officer in a suburban community. Janet shares her memories surrounding her abortion and the despair and inner violence that followed: After my abortion, they made me lie down for 30 minutes. Finally, another nurse dismissed me. I tried to tell her how much pain I was in. It was as if I was speaking to a brick wall -- she said nothing in response. Painfully and slowly, I got dressed and walked into the waiting room. I looked at my boyfriend Mike. He looked deadpan toward me. If I had had a weapon, he and everyone else in that clinic would have died, myself included.
.
We spoke not one word during the long drive back to my home. He finally gave up trying to talk to me. I never saw him again, nor spoke to him, even though we worked in the same place. My feelings for him were far deeper than mere hatred. I fantasized about annihilating him (somehow), making him beg for mercy first, as I had in the clinic. Finally, even my hatred drained out of me, leaving only a despairing blackness. I was at the end of the road, with no salvation. I had finally struck bottom."
.
"With quiet deliberation, I took my handgun from under my pillow, checking to make sure the clip was loaded. I chambered a round, walked into my living room, sat in a chair, put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger. To this day, I cannot think why the gun did not fire. I had always kept it in perfect working order. Still numb, I called my only friend, Susan, and told her what I tried to do. She lived quite a distance from me, but she was there in a flash; under five minutes, I think. She put me on her lap like a child and rocked me for a long time. I don't remember crying, but perhaps I did. After she was sure I was "okay," she took my handgun home with her. I still hadn't told her about the abortion. Bless her. Later that gun went off in her apartment, blowing a hole in her living room wall and scaring her silly. I was so thankful she was not hurt."
.
"Deadened to all joy, my life took an ironic twist. I soon found, without even looking, another job making far more money than my old one. I could easily have supported a child on my new salary. I continued my promiscuous ways out of habit, I think. I no longer knew right from wrong. Gone was even a semblance of joy. There was no sunshine to my days. Oh, how I envied the dead. I used to pray for death, begging a non-existent God to give me an end to my pain. I find it amazing, in retrospect, how we can function so well in front of others, while suffering like that."
.
The suicide-abortion link is well-known among professionals who counsel suicidal people. Meta Uchtman, director of Suicide Anonymous in Cincinnati, reported that in a 35-month period her group had worked with 4,000 women, and that nearly half had previously had an abortion. Of those who had undergone abortions, 1,400 were between the ages of 15 and 24-the age group with the fastest growing suicide rate in the country. According to another study undertaken at the University of Minnesota, teenage girls are ten times more likely to attempt suicide if they have had an abortion in the last six months than are teens who have not had an abortion.
.
The higher rates of suicide attempts among post-abortive women are similar to patterns found for suicide in other traumatized populations. For example, based on interviews nine years after women were the victims of rape, researchers have found that 19% of rape victims had made a suicide attempt, significantly more than other victims of crime. Similarly, around 19% of combat veterans diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder had made suicide attempts, and 15% were preoccupied with suicidal thoughts.
.
The higher rate of suicides among post-abortive women has been definitively demonstrated by two major record-based studies. Researchers in Finland, after examining medical records for all Finnish women of reproductive age over a seven-year period, discovered that women who aborted were seven times more likely to commit suicide in the subsequent year compared to women who carried to term. Aborting women were also four times more likely to die from injuries related to accidents, which may actually have been suicide attempts or at least suicidal risk-taking.
.
A similar study that examined records for over 150,000 California women eligible for Medicaid found that the aborting women were over 2.5 times more likely than delivering women to commit suicide within eight years of their abortion. Still another record-based study found that while subsequent suicide attempts increased among aborting women, this could not be explained by prior suicidal behavior. In other words, suicide attempts were not significantly different between groups before their pregnancies, but subsequently increased only among aborting women. These are just a few of many studies identifying the link between abortion and suicide.
.
By contrast, numerous studies have indicated that pregnancy, even when unplanned, diminishes suicidal impulses. Pregnancy serves a protective role for mentally disturbed or seriously depressed women. Family obligations and the idea that there is someone to "live for" tend to reduce self-destructive inclinations. These findings suggest that for women with prior psychological problems, childbirth is likely to reduce the risk of subsequent suicide attempts, whereas abortion may aggravate that risk. Despite the overwhelming evidence linking abortion to suicide, abortion providers do not provide the type of psychosocial screening necessary to identify patients who are at higher risk of suicide. Nor do they provide women with information about suicide intervention in the event that they begin to feel suicidal after their abortion. Paulette blamed the abortion clinic's lack of proper screening for her sister's death.
.
"My sister and I were both victims of incest. My sister had been sexually assaulted by my brothers for a number of years when she got her first abortion at the age of 16. Had she been questioned by anyone as to how a minor like herself had come to be pregnant in the first place, perhaps she could have been saved from any further abuse within the family. This is indeed what should have happened in any agency that claims to be concerned about preventing child abuse. As it turned out, she was given the abortion without my parents' consent or knowledge and then returned to the same environment. Years later, after having given birth to three children, having had many years of psychotherapy and antidepressant drugs, she became pregnant in a crisis situation. She was advised by friends and self-appointed do-gooders to abort the baby to take care of herself. This caused her a great deal of distress and anxiety. The decision was very difficult for her and in her weakened state she succumbed to the "sensibility" of their arguments and scheduled the abortion."
.
"She was crying when she entered the clinic, she cried throughout the procedure, and was sobbing as she left. But no one at the clinic asked her any questions that might upset her any more. Of course, had anyone asked her, they might have recognized that she was not emotionally strong enough to stand the abortion. Had they inquired about her health history, they might have seen her as the high-risk patient she was. But none of this took place. One week after the abortion she took her life with a gunshot to the chest, striking her heart. Her three children are growing up without their mom because no one wanted to ask questions."
.
The strong association between suicide and abortion bears witness to how suicidal impulses serve as a means of reenacting a traumatic abortion experience. Thoughts of death mirror the death experience of abortion. Through her abortion, the traumatized woman seeks to solve certain difficulties in her life. When she is later faced with depression, isolation, or an emptiness in her life that cannot be filled by drugs, alcohol, or sex, death again offers a solution. "After all," many reason, "I killed my child. Why not kill myself?"
.
Eleanor was 16 years old when she had an abortion. When she went to a guidance counselor to discuss her raging emotions, he assured her that she had made a good decision. "Focus on the future," the counselor advised. "Stop looking back." The advice was meaningless. Eleanor needed someone who would acknowledge her pain, not reject it as she had rejected her baby. One of her diary entries, written six years later, explains the struggle which underlay her suicidal thoughts.
.
"I thought about suicide again today. I can't get that thought out of my head. What could God possibly have planned for me in the future? I am really starting to wonder if there is anything planned. I guess this is because my only dream in life was to be a good mother. Instead, I've become a murderer. I am left wondering what my beautiful child would be doing right now. My life would be filled with joy. Instead it is filled with depression, anxiety and despair. How could I have ever thought my life would be better without my child? I know that another baby will never replace her in my heart. I don't think I deserve a second chance."
.
"I also wonder how a man on earth could care for or love me after I was able to kill my own daughter. God only knows how anybody could understand how someone who supposedly loves children could choose to destroy her own child. Will I even be able to chip open a small part of my heart to let someone new in? There is nothing left of my heart to share with another person. I really believe I aborted my heart with my daughter. I have not smiled or felt any joy for six years. I cannot continue this act -- this charade of going through the motions when I am so totally dead inside. I had the strength to kill my child -- I hope I can find the strength to kill myself. There is nothing left for me here."
.
Such despair, in Eleanor's case, was the byproduct of years of unresolved grief. Vicky, on the other hand, felt suicidal immediately after her abortion: "If I had a gun, I would have blown my head off. After my abortion, I was in such severe pain -- death seemed the only solution. It seemed like the only way to be back with my baby. I overdosed on pills and drinks."
.
Risk-Taking and Other Self-Destructive Tendencies
.
Fran was another woman who wanted to die at God's hands. To invite this judgment on herself, she went out into the middle of a field and stood in a large puddle during a thunderstorm. She waited for the lightning to strike her dead -- an act of God to punish her for the abortion she could no longer put out of her mind. This, of course, appears to be an extraordinary reaction and certainly irrational. But women's feelings about abortion are dramatic and can therefore draw out dramatic expressions of their innermost feelings.
.
Paige described her abortion experience in terms of having been through a war, and her abortion as a "land mine" she walked on one day. Ever since, she had tried desperately to pick up the pieces of her shattered emotional life. She struggled with chronic episodes of crippling depression and had to be hospitalized for suicidal thoughts and tendencies on the anniversary date of her abortion.
.
Studies show that post-abortive women are more likely to be involved in accidents -- a reflection of risk-taking and suicidal behavior. For example, researchers in Canada found that women who had undergone an abortion in the previous year were treated 25% more often for injuries or conditions resulting from violence. Similarly, a study of Medicaid payments in Virginia found that women who had state-funded abortions had 12% more claims for treatments related to accidents (resulting in 52% higher costs) compared to a case-matched sample of women who had not had a state-funded abortion. Yet another study of women in California found that women who had abortions were 82% more likely to die from accident-related injuries than women who had carried to term.
.
Camille, for example, described how her life was an emotional wreck, which magnetically attracted physical wrecks. "I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I talked to myself a lot, even in public. I had screaming fits when I was home alone. I screamed until every nerve in my body became like an electric wire, vibrating with overwhelming anger and energy. I had about seven serious accidents, too, and one total wreck. I just didn't care any more."
.
Self-destructive tendencies can also be played out through self-sabotage of opportunities and relationships. Such patterns of self-defeating behavior may persist for years. For example, Laura had an abortion when she was 15. Immediately afterward, she became promiscuous, and by the time she was 18, she was involved with an abusive man. "Every few years I would go into a downward spiral and fall into a deep black hole. I would go on a binge, doing anything and everything to destroy my life around me. I contemplated suicide, was on anti-depressants and drank heavily. Then when I was 20 years old I married my best friend. But nobody understood (nor did I) the pain, guilt and trauma I had experienced. We had a child 6 months later -- a full-term baby girl -- the joy of my life. I was determined to be a good mother, and I was and am."
.
"Even though I had a husband and a life, when my daughter was two years old, I began an affair with a co-worker. I kicked my husband out of the house, and professed that I no longer loved him, because I was so unhappy with myself. I never could figure out what caused me to act this way. It would last one to three months and I would be OK. Then four years later, I would do something else to destroy myself or my life. I never inflicted physical pain on myself, just mentally hurting myself and everyone around me and trying to destroy everything in my life. After all, how could I be happy if I killed a child? I didn't deserve to be happy. I needed to be self-destructive so this baby would know that I didn't do it on purpose and I would show it how life was without it. Horrible. Although I had sought counseling several times, and always brought up the abortion (it always came up), the counselor would not address it, just skim over it."
.
Laura felt that after her abortion, she didn't deserve happiness. Whenever happiness came to her, even through her family, she felt compelled to upset and destroy it, if only to prove to her aborted child that she had not stopped grieving.
.
Excerpts from "Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion" by Dr. Theresa Burke with Dr. David C. Reardon; Foreword by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.